Calm That Anger!

Hello Everyone,

There’s lots to be angry about right now…bombings, the economy, man-made disasters…  My professional and personal experience, though, tells me that it’s the everyday things that anger us the most.  Burnt toast, dawdling children, spilt milk, traffic jams trigger our anger the most.  Why is that?

When we react angrily rather than respond calmly, our anger can be traced back to how we coped  in our family-of-origin.  Think about it.  How did your parents react to stressful situations when you were growing up?  How did you react to your parents’ reactions when they were stressed?

Let’s take a closer look.  When Dad was stressed, did he blame, placate, withdraw…?  If Dad, for instance, was a blamer (“It’s all your fault.”), how did you, as his child react?  When you become stressed and angry now as an adult, do you blame others, just as he did?

Our parents are our models in everything when we are growing up.  We copy them.

Important questions to ask ourselves are:

• What was the impact of your parents reactive anger on you?  
• Did their reactive bursts of anger result in positive growth?
• Are you reacting to stressful situations in similar ways to your parents?
• What is the impact of your anger on yourself and those around you?
• How do you feel about your angry responses?

Parents do the best they can.  However, if you want to change your reactive, knee-jerk actions to calm responses, consider this information…

• Anger creates more anger.  
• When you are angry, you actually LOSE intelligence.
• When you are angry, your emotional right brain becomes BIG.  And your logical left brain is engulfed by your big emotions.  Thus, you can’t make a reasoned decision.

Here are some tips that will help you manage your anger:

• Remove yourself from the situation, if at all possible.
• Follow your breath in and out.
• Visualize a peaceful place.
• Refrain from making decisions until you are calm.
• Move…walking a few steps, standing up, stretching…and change your MOOD.
• Acknowledge your anger, but don’t act on it.
• Remember that you are in charge of your feelings; no one makes you angry.
• Feelings pass quickly.  They are just mental images after all!
• Engage in positive self-talk.  “Yes, this situation is angering me, but I can handle it.”

If anger has been part of your life for a long time or is interfering with your relationships, I suggest seeing a therapist.  Often, angry reactions are a reflection of negative coping mechanisms you learned long ago, unrealistic expectations and faulty beliefs.  Change those and you will find you will respond to anger from a calm and positive place.  Everyone will be the better for it.

My challenge to you:  If you are finding yourself feeling angry more often than not, are you willing to better your emotional health and invest in seeing a therapist?  A therapist trained is mindfulness is your best bet!

Blessings,

Judith